Putting It On The Line…………

It’s strange how at times your life can come full circle.  Only now, I’m able to look at things a bit differently.  Growing up there were always two constants in my life; The CREATOR (Yahweh as I’ve learned in the past 2 years), and music.  I had him to guide and protect me through the hard times, and he provided music as a source of comfort and release.  I even started to learn to play the piano (until my keyboard was stolen), and I was on my way to becoming pretty solid.  That and the tunes of Prince, Candi Staton and Angela Winbush helped keep me somewhat sane.

Most people don’t know this about me, but I was molested (I hate that word) when I was about six.  I don’t tell people because a) I don’t want any pity or anyone to see me as a victim, b)  I think sometimes punk ass people will use your experiences to explain your behaviors to cover up their own and c)  I am still human, and I don’t want to be judged because of it.  Nevertheless, that experience has shaped me (for better and for worse) and is a part of who I am.  Besides, that testimony could possibly help someone deal with the pain from a similar experience.  Going through that affects people in different ways; you either become promiscuous, or you retreat into a shell fearing anything sexual.  Those aren’t the only two outcomes, but I feel they are the most common.  I guess I can say I was the one who retreated into a shell.  I think because I was so young, I really didn’t understand what happened.  I just know that it made me feel horrible.  As I got older and started to really understand, the pain and the anger set in so honestly, I became a bit reclusive because I never wanted anyone to have the chance to make me feel the way I did again.  My abuser was someone I should’ve been able to trust, someone I knew and who was close to the family.  He abused his position as a person who should’ve protected me (NO I’m not talking about my dad, he would never).  I went through periods of feeling used, targeted, and questioning why it happened to me.  I had to come to terms with the fact that, the shit that happened to me had nothing at all to do with me.  That moment of clarity was FREEING like a M-Effa.  I might add, I was particularly skeptical of the opposite sex.  Sure, I had my crushes and school girl fantasies but that’s as far as it went.  I remember being very insecure about my shape, as I wore a jacket around my waist EVERY day up until I graduated high school.  I hated attention being drawn to anything physical about me.  I was constantly teased because I didn’t talk to boys (really I wasn’t allowed, but I never even sneaked to do it) or have a boyfriend.  People even suspected me of being gay, and I have the fucking yearbook signatures to prove it.

I didn’t really open up to the idea of someone even touching me until I met my son’s dad, which was senior year.  However, we didn’t do shit until the summer that I turned 20.  I don’t know how that nigga penetrated (no pun intended) that shell but he did.  We were just mad cool, and for the first time I felt as if I could be myself around a male.  There has only 1 other person who has made me feel that way.  We had a very turbulent, on and off relationship after that.  Hell, we were young and, hurt people hurt people.  We both had baggage, literally and figuratively that we never learned to deal with.  That only God could heal.  I finally get that now, and I have no hard feelings towards him at all.  If it weren’t for all of hurt and damage we did, I would’ve had no problem marrying him.  We talked about it many times, but it was me more-so than he with the cold feet.  As much as I want that life, I’m not confident we can recover from the shit that happened between us.

Anyway, for a while that had been the only man I’d been with or ever thought about being with.  During a time when we were “off” for a couple of years, I dated of course.  However, I still was insecure about who I was, and fearful of sex.  I’d date these men, but when the topic of sex came up I’d freeze up.  One of them, who I am mad cool with til this very day teases me about that.  After asking if I was involved with someone and me saying “no,” I got a laugh and a “Same old Kenya” in return.  Even though I was seeing someone when he asked, I knew he was talking about me being so guarded as well.  Anywho, while I was not with my son’s father I did get close with someone who I became intimate with, but it never went anywhere.  I think, we really were meant to be “just friends” and although I tried to hold on for a while, our hearts and minds just weren’t there.  If I had what some women call “freebies” or one that didn’t count, that would be it.

As the years passed and I matured, I became more comfortable with myself as a woman.  I finally started to heal from my past, although I still carry residual feelings today and probably always will.  Although I may not always cry or feel pain when I think about it, it has caused me to be cognizant of how I deal with men.  Because of that, I just don’t take a lot of shit at face value.  I don’t automatically trust what a person says; I have to see the proof.  That may be good when I need to weed out the assholes, but can backfire when a person might really care about me.  HOWEVER, I think if someone has your best interest at heart they will never mind showing that in their actions.

I recently made the decision to abstain from sexual activity altogether.  I guess that’s why I’m thinking about all of this now.  First, I got tired of feeling hypocritical by saying I was a virtuous woman while not living as one.  I felt like I owed God, who has done so much in my life, at LEAST an attempt to clear my life of all of the mess and allow him to connect with me with no distraction.  Second, I got tired of giving the most intimate part of me to myself to people that I didn’t have any future with.  I don’t want to sleep my way to marriage.  I don’t want to sex a man who is sexing everyone else, in hopes that he will see something special in me and end up choosing me.  I don’t want said man to end up choosing someone else in the end, while taking a piece of me with him.  I don’t want to end up with another child unmarried.

In reflection of life and how I view sex, I know I’m a true romantic at heart.  I want love, marriage, companionship, and a family.  I also know that I, like many women are not built for casual sex.  As much as I may have lied to myself in a situation before, I’m just not.  When we have sex with a man, we are allowing that man inside of us.  Into our bodies.  I think that is deeper than describing the physical act.  We produce a chemical called oxytocin when we have sex and orgasm, which is the same chemical that is released during childbirth and nursing and fosters mother/child bonding.  The more sex you have with a man, the more that chemical is released and the attachment grows.  I guess that explains why we can become attached to a man who may not be good for us, especially if we have sex with them early into a relationship.  Deep shit.  I feel like men are able to separate sex and emotion for that very reason, as well as the fact that their bodies aren’t being invaded as ours are.  We really are not made for that shit, and any woman who says differently is lying to themselves.  Unless, in some cases they have a chemical imbalance which is why some women can have children and never feel a connection with them.

Simply put, I know for a fact I cannot separate emotion and sex.  Not only am I not scientifically built to do so, I know my personality.  I know my experiences, and I know that out of the few men I’ve had sex with I’ve had feelings for them all.  Maybe, because of what I’ve been through, I NEED to know that a man cares about me and has no ill intention before I share myself physically.  The only way that I can know that is if he has decided to be in a committed relationship with me.  Any “situation” outside of that will do nothing but leave me with some fucked up feelings I care not to have.  Being as guarded as I am, being able to look at someone later down the line and know he has “had” me fucks with me.  It may hurt, and it messes with my ego honestly.  At least I can look at all of the others without any feeling at all, because I know I didn’t share much with them.   Although sex may attach me to him, it may not attach him to me.   I don’t want to feel like I wasted myself on anyone else who didn’t deserve me.

I know this decision isn’t an easy one.  I live in a time where many men feel like they have an upper hand because what you won’t do, there are a million of others who will.  And honestly, I don’t judge them either.  I know what it feels like to feel lonely, to get older and watch everyone around you get married, have families, and perceived happiness.  I know what’s it is like to feel like if you DON’T have sex with a man, you may end up alone.  Women are truly in a fucked up position right now and it is sad.  It is partially our fault because we somehow forgot our value, and men feel like they don’t have to commit anymore.  Why should they?  You have 5 women, all who are cool and you like spending time with, all who are giving it up in hopes of being “the one.”  I get it.  However, I know myself and I’m at the point that I’d rather be alone than feel like an option.  I’d rather be alone than feel used in the end because a man chose someone else (for whatever reasons).  I know that because of who I am, who I want to be, I just don’t care to place myself in that position.  Fuck that.  If a man is interested in ME, he is going to have to show me that.  It won’t matter if I’m giving it to him or not, and it won’t matter that Susie down the street is throwing it at him either.  She doesn’t have shit on me anyway

Therefore, for the time being, maybe forever or maybe for a season, I have myself, my son, my God, and my music.  I also have awesome family and friends to make it even better.  AND D’Angelo is back, and he couldn’t have returned at a better time.  I know I have a hard road ahead, but I know it will only strengthen me.  Sure, I’m afraid of what will be.  No one wants to live this life alone, I don’t care who it is.  I’m going to take this time to sort some shit out within, and refocus my energy into things that I know will provide a return.  This is a great time to get to know God, and continue to grow with no distractions.  I might take this time to enjoy not feeling obligated to spend time with anyone other than my child.  Maybe I will finally pick up an instrument again.  I’m also going to take time to give back more.  Maybe love will come, maybe it won’t.  Who knows what is ahead, I’m just trusting that God is leading me into a new season.  With him driving, I know I won’t be led in the wrong direction.

 

I don’t think people understand how much I love this man and his music. 

Slow Down

WWII US Air Corps Poster

“Slow down gal, you will last a lot longer,” is what I heard from an aged voice as I feverishly collected my belongings to head back to the office.  Every morning, for about two hours, I do outreach at our local Veterans Hospital.  As I raised my head, I was greeted by a man with a gap-toothed smile, white hair covered under a ball cap, sitting in a wheel chair.  “How can I help you sir,” I asked with a smile.  “Well gal, whatcha selling?”  I went on to explain that I wasn’t selling anything, and informed him of why I was there, what I did, what my program offered; the usual elevator speech.  I don’t know how the conversation turned, but when conversing with older Veterans, a change in conversation is usual.

WWII Gooney Bird

I will call him Mr. F, a fiery WWII Veteran who served in the United States Air Force.  Mr. F was full of wit, jokes, and this morning he had a lot on his mind.  Although I was ready to get back to my regular dwelling, I stayed a while and chatted with him for a while.  He proceeded to grill and quiz me about US History and battle planes, wars and US presidents.  “Gal, do you know what a Gooney Bird is?”  I shook my head no.  “Aw shucks!  You young whippersnappers don’t know ANYTHING these days, too concerned about getting these boys into shape.”  I couldn’t help but laugh.  He proceeded to tell me about an aircraft called a Gooney Bird that he used to fly during his military service.  He went on passionately about fighter jets, President Eisenhower’s Columbine III plane, Navy Blue Angels, Black Birds, and Tuscon, AZ.

“In Tuscon, you can go and get a tour of an old presidential aircraft, fighter jets, and a boneyard.  You know what a boneyard is?”  I knew this answer, and was excited to reply “Yes sir, it is a place where they collect old planes.”  “Well alright, you’re not as crazy as I thought,” he said.  If you have ever been around older Veterans, or older people in general, getting offended is something you shouldn’t waste time doing.  Veterans talk “more ish than a little bit” and it is usually done in jest.

As I set for the next 20 minutes, I noticed that Mr. F had a distant look in his eye; one of longing and reflection.  I can only imagine the kind of experiences he has had, that would be incomparable to anything he has encountered since then.  Many Veterans I speak with always regret the ugly side of war, but are always proud of being a part of history.  From battle stories, to stories of flying over the Atlantic, the wealth of experiences these individuals have obtained are priceless.   I can only imagine how it feels to have the world at your fingertips, just to come back feeling overlooked and mistreated.  We do so much for athletes and entertainers in this country, yet those that put their lives on the line for our freedoms can’t receive simple expressions of gratitude such as quality health care.  That however, is another post.

The Blue Angels. Mr. F said you haven’t seen flying, until you’ve seen them.

I sat and talked with Mr. F as long as I did to be an ear.  With so many stories to tell and so much knowledge to share, the chance of someone listening to an old guy in a wheelchair are not likely.  How many times do we pass by people like Mr. F without even acknowledging their existence?  When was the last time you said “thank you” to a person who has risked their life for your country?  At times, that’s all they want.  I’ve had plenty of interesting encounters with our soldiers, but today I was reminded to stop and smell the roses.  Not just for myself, but for the benefit of someone else who just wanted someone to listen.  I ended up gaining a quick history lesson, and hey I may even take my son out to Tuscon to visit the boneyard.  So with that, I would like to thank you Mr. F, for your service and for the short time shared today.  And yes, I promise that I will slow down.

Woman: Remember Who You Are

The importance of being a “Proverbs 31″ woman.  I liked how this began, with the poet saying “It was not good for Man to be alone, so he created You.”  Then going on to explain that some how we got lost along the way, feeling like we were created because we needed men.  We are not created as sex objects, toys, we were created as a helper and companion.  We were also created to represent the totality of who God is.  ALL women should listen to this.  It kind of reminds me of this story:

“When I created the heavens and the earth, I spoke
them into being. When I created man, I formed him from
the dust of the Earth and breathed life into his
nostrils. But you, woman, I fashioned after I breathed
the breath of life into man because your nostrils are
too delicate. I allowed a deep sleep to come over him
so I could patiently and perfectly fashion you. Man
was put to sleep so that he could not interfere with
the creativity. From one bone I fashioned you. I chose
the bone that protects man’s life. I chose the rib,
which protects his heart and lungs and supports him,
as you are meant to do.”

“Around this one bone I shaped you. I modeled you. I
created you perfectly and beautifully. Your
characteristics are as the rib, strong yet delicate
and fragile. You provide protection for the most
delicate organ in man, his heart. His heart is the
center of his being; his lungs hold the breath of
life. The rib cage will allow itself to be broken
before it will allow damage to the heart. Support man
as the rib cage supports the body.”

“You were not taken from his feet, to be under him,
nor were you taken from his head, to be above him. You
were taken from his side, to stand beside him and be
held close to his side. You are my perfect angel. You
are my beautiful little girl. You have grown to be a
splendid woman of excellence, and my eyes fill when I
see the virtue in your heart. Your eyes: don’t change
them. Your lips: how lovely when they part in prayer.
Your nose so perfect in form, your hands so gentle to
touch. I’ve caressed your face in your deepest sleep;
I’ve held your heart close to mine. Of all that lives
and breathes, you are the most like me.”

“Adam walked with me in the cool of the day and yet he
was lonely. He could not see me or touch me. He could
only feel me. So everything I wanted Adam to share and
experience with me, I fashioned in you: my holiness,
my strength, my purity, my love, my protection and
support. You are special because you are the extension
of me.”

“Man represents my image, woman – my emotions.
Together, you represent the totality of God. So man:
treat woman well. Love her, respect her, for she is
fragile. In hurting her, you hurt me. What you do to
her, you do to me. In crushing her, you only damage
your own heart, the heart of your Father and the heart
of her Father. Woman, support man. In humility, show
him the power of emotion I have given you. In gentle
quietness show your strength. In love, show him that
you are the rib that protects his inner self.”

Date: 4/6/2012 Scene: 2 Take: 13

Feeling last, or like I’m not enough is getting old.  Growing weary of the lies and excuses being told.  You can be a player baby, just do it without me.  Judging your actions with all your others, seems like I was last to make the team.  All the endorsements and “face time” you give them, you never give me.  When I speak to you about my thoughts, they are never what they seem.  You clearly aren’t real, honest, upright, alright then cool with me.  No words, no fits, or explanations, play is over. 

End scene.  

I’m Walking……………..

“Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them.”  Matthew 5:17

” ⁶ Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. ⁷ If you really know me, you will know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.”  John 14:6-7

“28 One of the scribes came near and heard them disputing with one another, and seeing that he answered them well, he asked him, “Which commandment is the first of all?” 29 Jesus answered, “The first is, ‘Hear, O Israel: the Lord our God, the Lord is one; 30 you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ 31 The second is this, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”  Mark 12:28-31

 

Lately, I have been in a bit of a spiritual battle within as I try to understand what it actually means to follow Christ.  What does it mean to be a child of God?  We live in a world where we presume that because humanity changes, that God has as well.  We no longer have to follow the rules as long as we remain “good people.”  In the scripture above coming from John, Jesus was answering a question from one of his disciples in regards to how they could go to the place he would soon be going.  How could they get there to reside with him in the place he prepared for them?  He basically said “no one gets to the Father except through ME.  I am the way.”  What does that mean though?  Now if you don’t profess to be a believer of Jesus (Yeshua) the Christ, then none of this will apply to you and you can stop reading.

 

When Jesus first started his ministry, he kind of made a whole bunch of people angry.  The Pharisees (religious leaders) were used to the RELIGIOUS aspect of serving the father.  They were accustomed to the sacrifices, going through a priest or rabbi, and other small religious practices (wearing skirts, cutting hair etc) that really didn’t reveal the heart of serving God.  Then, here comes Jesus doing things completely different.  He being who he is, already knew they were thinking that he was coming to destroy the law Moses and other prophets, so he gave them Matthew 5:17 as an answer.  He wanted to let them know he came to live out the purpose of the law that Moses was given from God.  He came to be the ultimate sacrifice, and be the ultimate atonement for our sins.  He was able to do so because he lived blamelessly; he was perfect.  That is when it became about relationship instead of religion. He basically came to SHOW us how it should be done.  SHOW us how to follow those commandments, and show us how to love.  Clearly we weren’t doing it right in our fallible nature so we needed an example.

 

I honestly don’t know how much more simpler it can get.  It is there in plain sight, yet we as “believers” fail to see it.  We don’t like truth; we would rather complicate things in order to justify our sinful behaviors.  As I read this today and meditated, it became clear.  Humans are the first to say “well I don’t live for others, I don’t follow a crowd, I do what I believe is right regardless of what others think.”  Yet, when they are confronted with the truth we want to pick and choose, giving reasons such as “it is 2012, no one is doing that old school stuff anymore.  Society has changed.”  So do we live independently or don’t we?  Also, does that mean God has changed?  Because society changed, has his simple law changed?  Clearly, even in the New Testament Jesus says he didn’t destroy those laws, he came to fulfill them.  To show their purpose.  So why is it, that in order to suit or own sinful nature we ignore them because of society?  God is the same today, as he was when he first created the universe.  He said he is the beginning, and the end.  He hasn’t changed a thing.

 

When Jesus says he is the way, the truth, the LIFE, he says so much with so little.  He lived Gods law out perfectly, regardless of what the religious leaders thought, or regardless of whose sins it uncovered.  If we truly love and believe in him, we have to go beyond just saying it.  We have to LIVE it (he is the LIFE).  One of the reasons Christians are not respected today is because we don’t follow the blueprint.  We go to church on Sunday, or Saturday, say thank you Jesus, but our lives don’t reflect anything Christ-like at all.  We hate, gossip, lie, fornicate, judge, but because we attended church and prayed in front of a whole bunch of people, we are good.  We (MYSELF included) fail to follow the simple blueprint given to us through Christ.  We don’t like to hear we are wrong, so we will go to great lengths to defend us doing what we want, being slaves to our own desires.  If we know in fact we are born in sin, we must know that everything we want isn’t always good for us.  How many times have you followed after a desire in the moment, and it turned out to be a disaster in the end?  Probably many.  So then, why is it we still set ourselves up for failure, following our nature instead of our creator?  We adore our own feelings and desires, and what others think more than we do living as Christ.  Sadly to say, that is a form of idolatry.  Idolatry isn’t simply bowing to an image other than God.  What you hold in higher esteem than God, becomes your idle.   That can be money, a person, material possessions, yourself, your work, anything. BRICKS.

 

Living like Christ is hard, because of who we are and how we were born.  For that very reason, he had to manifest in the flesh to set the example and provide forgiveness through his sacrifice.  We are saved under grace.  Does that me we take advantage of it?  No.  It just means God knew we were SO messed up and separated through sin, we needed something extra.  We needed that guide, and that direct relationship with him.  Christ is the way, the truth, the LIFE.  We have to emulate him as best as we can.  In order to get to where he is, we have to follow his example.  We can’t say “I’m going to do what I want, not try to do better, but because I pay my tithes and mean no harm I’m still going to heaven.”   1 Corinthians 6:8-20 is very specific about who will NOT inherit that promise.

 

The easiest way to “make it” is to develop a relationship with him, imitate him, and show LOVE.  Love isn’t a feeling, it is a series of actions.  In Mark 12:28, a scribe asks Jesus which commandment was most important.  He answered, to love God with all your heart, and love your neighbor as yourself.  Love covers a multitude of sin.  Simply put, if you truly LOVE, there are some things you just will not do.    It is more than just saying “love you.”  If I truly loved God, knowing how much he loves me would I purposely try to do what hurts him?  If I truly love myself am I going to engage in things that hurt me?  Negative relationships, putting things in my body that will kill me, sharing my temple (body) through continuous casual sex (increasing chances of out-of-wedlock birth and disease let’s be real)?  If I love my neighbor, (who could be my spouse, sister, friend or brother) will I do things to hurt them?  Will I lie to and on them, steal from them, commit adultery against them, murder them, con them, or be jealous of what they have?  If they do something that is wrong, will I go on a witch hunt against them, pointing out their flaws (judging)?  Or do I show love and compassion and help them through it?  If every time we did something wrong and God did us like we do each other, we’d be royally screwed.  The devil is called the accuser of man, pointing out to God every single sin he tricks us into committing.  So who then, are we acting like when we point our fingers and slander others as if we are perfect?  Think about it.  When Mary Magdalene who was a prostitute came to Jesus, he didn’t say “naw you’s a ho, can’t fool with you.”  He just asked if she believed, and told her to roll with him.  Think about someone who you KNOW you love, like a mother or a child and put it in perspective.

 

As I type all of this, I’m not trying to sound preachy.  I’m really just releasing the thoughts that I am having in regards to me.  I look at myself, and see the same hypocrite that I talk about.  I don’t always show love to others, myself, or God.  I am the same “Sunday” Christian, who says “yeah I believe in Christ” not always living as he did.  I can’t pick and chose what to do.  If I say I love him, say I believe God sent him, believe he is the way, I have to accept ALL of him.  I can’t accept the feel good parts, and reject the parts the illuminate my own imperfections.  It is a hard pill to swallow, but it is true.  It doesn’t mean I have to give up the essence of who I am, but I have to put that selfish and sinful self aside.  He gave me the perfect example, and yet I still confuse myself  by not living according to it.  By not doing so, I’m saying I don’t trust his perfect ways.  I’d rather do what’s comfortable, or what society says it is right.  We ALL have a struggle, every single one of us.  Even though we at times may be the only ones to know, we still have something we are dealing with.

 

I’m going to encourage myself, and whoever may be reading this to truly get to know Christ.  It isn’t about RELIGION, it is about a relationship.  You develop a relationships by spending time with others.  I remember asking God in prayer how I could get closer to him and get to know the essence of who he was.  One night as I lay down thinking, the holy spirit said “You can’t get to know someone you don’t spend time with.”  You have to talk to God and read his word daily.  You have to pull yourself away from all of the mess in the world that distracts us, and make yourself still in order to receive him (meditation).  I don’t care how crazy I may sound, but God is REAL.  He is a being, who cares about every aspect of your lives.  He is just there waiting for us to share it with him.  He will show himself to you (not like a hallucination lol) if you believe and allow him to.  He isn’t just some being in the sky, pulling puppet strings.

 

Being Christ like isn’t about not talking to certain people, not listening to “secular” music (although some of it is trash, there is music that doesn’t fall under the man-made gospel genre that is pure), wearing your hair a certain way, being stiff, or walking around a candle three times.  That is religion.  A person can do everything religious, and their heart not be anywhere near God.  Many of the people who God used in the bible were pretty ratchet by some standards.   But they LOVED him with all of their heart, in their heart they recognized their sinful nature and tried daily to sacrifice it for his perfection.  They didn’t say things like “I am going to keep doing me, YOLO,” as an excuse not to change.  It is about your heart.  Recognizing that you struggle with sin, asking God to help you with it, instead of EMBODYING and BECOMING that sin with no intention or effort to change it.  Big difference, another post.  It is about knowing him, understanding him, and trying to embody HIM.  That’s the only way we are going to make it as believers.  I’m going to continue this journey by studying him and his character, and truly examining my ways so I can make a change.  It won’t be easy, and I’m sure some won’t understand it..  However, for me it is time to truly exercise faith, and walk that walk.

 

Love, peace, and blessings.

 

Kenya

 

How Am I Feeling?

I can show you better than I can tell you.

 

 

My name is NOT Susan………..

 
One night not long ago
I fell for you
Too easy to let go
She was one from your past
One of the few
You said it didn’t last

Now Romeo you know I can’t believe
Your tongue would slip so easily
I know you think I oughtta let it be
But get it right, next time
That’s the end of me

[Chorus:]
My name is not Susan
So watch what you say
If you still need her
Then be on your way
Don’t wanna hear about Susan
She’s got nothin’ on me
So show some respect for the love you receive
My name is not Susan
(No, no, no, no, no — get it right)

Last night you were asleep
Deep in a dream
I heard you call her name
Then you turned to embrace
I froze in place
Never to be the same

Now Romeo you know I never knew
My heart would bust so easily
I know you think I oughtta let it go
But get it right next time
Say good-bye to me boy

[chorus]

I never want to be the girly that you “call” one and only
You know the kind of girly that you would call when you get lonely
I never should have let you in,
A damn shame — forgot my name!
Well, anyway

Valentines Day, Whitney “Nippy Houston

Happy Valentines Day everyone!  You don’t have to be in love to show it to people that you care about, or to show the love of God towards other.  That’s what has been put on my heart this morning about today.  So many people have such anxiety about a day, when we are supposed to be loving each other regardless.  I’m also deciding to stay away from social networking today.  I just can’t deal with all the negativity and cynicism from those who feel like they have a right to criticize others for feeling lonely.  What about the woman/man who lost a spouse, and getting through this day is hard for them?  I mean you just never know what people go through.  I also don’t want to deal with the complaining, “eff Valentines” day sentiments either.  I understand what it is like to feel alone today, but I just refused to keep letting a DAY control me.  When I started focusing on gratitude then my whole outlook changed.  I believe in the law of attraction; you get what you put out.  As I sat and focused on the negative about being single, it affected my attitude towards others, and most importantly myself.  I decided to change that, and when I did positivity began to flow my way.  We can’t be so guarded that we are afraid to love and give.  Love isn’t about what you receive, it is about what you GIVE.  So today, I’m all about showing love.  If people aren’t responsive or are offended, they can KICK ROCKS lol!  I just know if I sow the seeds, they are bound to return to me in some form.  God is good.

Usually in the mornings I have a bit of time to kill before work after dropping of my son, so I spend it with my mother.  This morning at the house she had Whitney on BLAST.  I don’t know why, but this celebrity death really hit me.  I don’t know if it is because I love her music, because of her troubled life, but it is hitting me.  I haven’t felt this way about a celebrity death since Aaliyah.  Whitney as a person resonates with me in many ways; she reminds me so much of my mother.  SO much.   Throughout their struggles, both managed to keep a certain glow about themselves.  That personality never left, and I believe it takes a strong person to go through so much and manage a smile every day.  To care about people more than themselves.  It shocked me to know that she adopted a son, and that speaks volumes about who she was.  You know what else bothers me?  The fact that people who claimed to love her and care about her, smiled and danced at a party while the woman’s body was still in the building.  That is creepy and just disrespectful to me.  Goes to show that she really didn’t have too many people in her corner that CARED.  There is no way in HELL I’d attend a party, walking carpets smiling, while my dead FRIEND, mentor, or whatever is upstairs and an investigation is going on.  Who does that?  I guess it is just me.  I know there are a lot of conspiracies around the industry that some are too naive to believe, but that right there just proves to me that “something in the milk isn’t clean.”  Keep on believing that the industry attracts all these troubled souls on accident, and they all keep dying the same way by coincidence.  Have ANY of you read Rick James book?  Telling.   That’s all I will say about that, and let everyone live in their ignorant bliss.  Check out this information from Ms. Chaka who was VERY close to Whitney:  http://www.cnn.com/video/?/video/bestoftv/2012/02/14/pmt-chaka-khan-clive-davis-party.cnn#/video/bestoftv/2012/02/14/pmt-chaka-khan-clive-davis-party.cnn

http://www.cnn.com/video/?/video/bestoftv/2012/02/14/pmt-chaka-khan-clive-davis-party.cnn#/video/bestoftv/2012/02/14/pmt-chaka-khan.cnn

 

Good read:  http://www.monstersandcritics.com/people/news/article_1690953.php/Chaka-Khan-and-Sharon-Osbourne-talk-blame-on-Whitney-Houston-s-death-VIDEO

That’s all I have today, I don’t want to get emotional.  Be blessed!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kissing You

If this song doesn’t speak to the hopeless romantic in me, I don’t know what does.  Making me a bit nostalgic as well.  *drifts away*

 

And I can’t believe it’s real
Can’t believe it’s you
I can’t believe it’s happening
I can’t believe it’s true

And I can’t believe that you are here with me
And I am here with you

(Kissing you) Softly kissing you
(Kissing you) Forever kissing you
(Kissing you) Kissing you

Can’t believe my eyes
I don’t know what to do
Can’t believe you are mine
Nor that I’m lying here with you
And I can’t believe you’re making love with me
And I’m making it with you

Through the night, I feel your fire
And there’s nothing but you in my mind
As you quench me of all my desires
And I melt in ecstasy
Oh oh, I

Can’t believe it’s real
I can’t believe it’s true
I can’t believe that you chose me
When I was choosing you
And I can’t believe that you are here with me
And I am here with you

Oh, kissing you

……….